I bought this book recently and went through it in a single weekend. It reads very easily. The book is a dialogue between a philosopher and a young person; naturally, in the beginning, the young person is very skeptical about what the philosopher has to say. They discuss philosophical and psychological concepts in five days, and each day is a separate chapter, whereas each chapter is 40 pages on average.
The authors are mainly inspired by the psychologist Alfred Adler and use many of his concepts/ideas, but they also find inspiration in Socrates, Platon, Aristotle.
Adler’s main idea is to put emphasis on “I behave X because of my goal Y” (teleology) rather than “I behave X because of Y in the past” (etiology – study of causation a->b->…). For example, when someone is enraged, the goal of shouting comes before anything else, rather than viewing it as causation (enraged because of a, b, … that happened, etc.). For another example, when we analyze situations, rather than thinking “They must be X because they behave Y”, we focus on both our and their goal.
Why are you rushing for answers? You should arrive at answers on your own, not rely upon what you get from someone else. Answers from others are of no value.
“I have a pessimistic view of the world” over “I am a pessimist”, we should not consider such cases as personality, but more as personality traits. We choose our personality, mostly subconsciously and usually at around the age of 10.
All problems are interpersonal relationship problems. There is no such thing as worry that is completely defined by the individual. Whatever the worry that may arise, the shadows of other people are always present.
Adler says that as a result of comparing oneself to others (interpersonal relationship), both feelings of superiority and inferiority (if used right) are stimulants to normal, healthy striving and growth. It is important that one knows how to build good interpersonal relationships, otherwise, one will just end up satisfying the expectations of others. Another important point is “One must not manipulate other people”.
Instead of focusing on competition (winners/losers), we focus on “people are my comrades“. Two objectives for behavior: to be self-reliant and to live in harmony with society. It is obvious whether we should believe or doubt others if the idea is to see others as our comrades.
Suppose that there is a certain Mr. A whom you don’t like because he has some aws that are hard to forgive. But it isn’t that you dislike Mr. A because you can’t forgive his aws. You had the goal of taking a dislike to Mr. A beforehand and then started looking for the aws to satisfy that goal, so that you could avoid an interpersonal relationship with Mr. A. In a way, you are running away from one’s life tasks. This is an issue of courage.
Influence of reward-and-punishment education (accountability):
- If no one is going to praise me, I won’t take appropriate action
- If no one is going to punish me, I’ll engage in inappropriate actions
If you are not living your life for yourself, then who is going to live it for you? When one seeks recognition from others, and concerns oneself only with how one is judged by others, in the end, one is living other people’s lives.
Separating tasks: We need to constantly ask ourselves the question “Whose task is this?”, as most interpersonal relationship problems arise from people intruding into people’s tasks.
Naturally, one gives all the assistance one possibly can. But beyond that, one doesn’t intrude. Remember the old saying, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”
In a child-raising situation, when a child is having a hard time tying his shoes. For the busy mother, it is certainly faster to tie them than to wait for him to do it himself. But that is an intervention, and it is taking the child’s task away from him. As Adler says, “Children who have not been taught to confront challenges will try to avoid all challenges.”
Freedom is to stop being afraid to be disliked – though not going as far to live our lives in such a way that we will be certainly disliked.
The essence of work is the feeling of belonging in a community, shifting from “What can I get from this person” (attachment to self) to “What can I give to this person” (care for others). Even though the self is the main actor in a community, it is still just a member and not at the center; the voice of the community is bigger. In a community, a person progresses healthily if they keep in mind the work/friendly/love tasks of interpersonal relationships.
If [a relationship] is one that can break down just because you raise an objection, then it is not the sort of relationship you need to get into in the first place. Living in fear of one’s relationships falling apart is an unfree way to live, in which one is living for other people.
Adler’s psychology dismisses all vertical (hierarchical) relations and emphasizes horizontal ones instead. An example is if someone is doing something simply for the praise of someone else.
It is about having concern for others, building horizontal relationships, and taking the approach of encouragement. All these things connect to the deep life awareness of “I am of use to someone,” and in turn, to your courage to live.
Someone has to start. Other people might not be cooperative, but that is not connected to you. My advice is this: You should start. With no regard to whether others are cooperative or not.
The courage to be happy: accept oneself on the level of being, vs. on the level of act.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Kurt Vonnegut
According to Adler, happiness is the feeling of contribution “I am of use to someone”. There’s no need for recognition from others. In addition, we need to have the courage to be normal, but also “Being normal is not being incapable”.
The last chapter heavily focuses on teleology, mostly ignoring etiology, although I believe that we do need to make sacrifices sometimes (going against Adler’s argument that we don’t need self-sacrifice).
To conclude, overall I enjoyed this book. As I was reading, I kept thinking about the interpersonal relationships I have in my life and how some of the stuff applies (or does not) to some people, of the ideas presented 🙂
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